A Mini-Tutorial on Listening

Pre-Mini Listening Tutorial
Diagnostic Questions:

You already know a lot about listening, what makes for good listening and doesn't.

Answer the following questions about your experience on paper or to another:

1) What makes you want to learn to listen better? What do you think it will do for you?

2) Who is someone you can't stand talking to? Why? What do they do that lets you know they aren't listening?

3) What behaviors do you have that aren't really listening?

4) Who is someone you seek out, if only in your imagination, to listen to you when you have an issue to discuss? What specific behaviors do they do (body, words, energy?)

5) What happens for you when someone really listens to you?

6) How much are you like this person when you listen?

7) What do you, personally, need to do less of when listening?

8) What do you, personally, need to learn how to do when listening?

9) Are you prepared to become self-conscious for a while of your ineffective listening while you work at becoming a better listener?

10) Is there anyone you would like to share this learning with, perhaps a learning partner?

Steps to becoming a better listener:

Become an "inner listener":

Practice becoming aware of the sounds in your world, attuning your ears and your hearts to the complexity and beauty all around you.

Be in silence more, without any electronic distractions.

Become aware of sensations in your body caused by an emotional reaction to something. Observe the feeling without analyzing or trying to make it go away (it will just from being observed!)

Try having days where you don't talk much, but are silent or just nod in response, saying only what you have to say.

Observe your own listening. Become aware of your habits that block someone's feeling heard, before, or instead of speaking.

Allow more silence in a conversation and see what happens.

When listening to another:

Practice improving your listening in this order, layering the skills one upon the other over time:

Listen silently, nodding, but resisting the urge to interrupt or fill the silence. During this time you can observe what you feel compelled to do (compete, minimize, daydream, rehearse, etc.)

Just reflect back after listening silently. Let the other person know what you heard them say.

After reflecting back, ask questions to clarify information for yourself, then to help them understand or appreciate themselves more deeply.

Habits to Limit

The most common habits which block listening are on the "Habits to Limit" cards.

Download or order a deck.

Pick out and carry with you the cards which describe your own habits.

Listening Skills

Study the "Listening Skill" cards in the deck you have purchased.

Choose the skills you still need to learn the most, or which call to you first. "Allowing Silence" is a good place to start.

Learn only one Skill, and limit one Habit at a time, over the course of a week. Keep these cards with you all the time, or tape them up where you are reminded.

Thoughts on Learning to Listen


Remember when you listen that each person has the wisdom inside to guide their own lives, but when they are flooded with emotion they need the help of a listener to diffuse the emotion and organize their thoughts.

• We each have our own unique lessons to learn and we must learn them for ourselves. If someone does it for us, we still have to learn the lesson.

• Acknowledge that becoming a real listener will take a while, like learning a new language. Few of us have ever been taught how to really listen.

• Note the difference in the responses you get when you really listen to someone from when you are not.

• Seek out good listeners yourself and closely observe what they do and how you respond.

• Commit fully to learning to become a good listener. Commitment is 50% of mastery.

• Learn to listen with a friend, partner, or child, making a fun game of it.

• Forgive yourself and others when you or they fail to listen. We don't have to be "on" all the time. We are still going to be ourselves. Really listening is just another tool in your bag for relating better to other people.

Tactics for learning to listen:

Three tactics that help you overcome old habits and begin practicing new ones are:

Breath when you become tense, distracted or compelled to engage in an old habit;

Be mindful of your thinking and check for any thoughts of judgment, advice, or comparison;

Bracket, or temporarily set aside your own issues and opinions to experience the speaker's world as it is for him, not for you.

In short, when you begin to listen, think "set myself aside, mind my thoughts, and breathe (when I am tempted to take over)."

How to use The Listening Cards

using examples from the deck:

Learning a new listening skill: 

Let’s say you have chosen the card “Allow for

Silence.” First you set an intention, saying to

yourself, and perhaps to someone close to you:

“I allow for silences in conversations. When

another person stops speaking, I will take a

breath and allow what they have said

to seep in, allowing for them to think

deeper and me to more deeply take in

what they have said.” During the course

of the week, in each conversation you have,

make this your only goal, to allow for silence.

Take note of what makes this difficult for you

and address that within you. Also take note,

however, of what happens to the other person

when you are silent. Do they seem to have more

to say or find the solution to their own problem?

Do they say something next that surprises you?

Is there more peace between you? Often we find

out more about another person when we are

silent, instead of inflicting/interjecting our

own story or opinion. Try it.

Limiting an old listening habit: 

Let’s say you have chosen the card, “Giving

advice.” You have chosen this card because

you are the King or Queen of Advice. Any time

someone tells you a problem, you jump right

into telling them what you would do, have done,

what they should do, who you know, etc. Despite

the fact that few people ever take your advice,

you habitually persist in doing this. Now you

wish to stop this habit. First, like above, you set

a simple positive intention, like “I help people

find their own advice rather than give it

automatically.” The next time someone comes

to you with a really juicy problem, and you catch

yourself salivating to advise, take a breath deep

into your belly, feel your heart beating in your

chest, focus on the person speaking, and let the

impulse to blurt out all that you know fly away,

like an old black crow. Instead, be silent, let

them talk, and instead of advice, ask them

what they think they will do, what ideas to

they have, or what have they done before when

faced with similar dilemmas. They will

eventually solve their problem on their

own and most likely thank you for listening.